How to break the stigma
#1 - T A L K I N G
#2 I'm Deaf Not Stupid.
T A L K I N G.
(It's a sensitive subject!)
So I am all for a good ol' natter, a gossip or a social let's go to the pub for a pint and a chit chat but when do we get chance to properly sit down and talk about our feelings. I would say for most people, only really get to the nitty gritty details of their feelings when they have drowned their sorrows in a bottle of wine, when everything starts to pour out all blubby and emosh over the dance floor or resting your head on your best pal's shoulder at the end of the night in the smoking area. It's becomes more like word vomit rather than processing your thoughts with an added thrown in opinion from your friend. Let's be honest at this stage its the wine talking, not you.
I would say I am certainly shit at talking about my feelings and tend to bottle everything up until it becomes a burning catalyst and then I just burst into a teary mess. Winner, winner. But I also think that social media plays a part with emotions. We are all meant to appear to have a good time, a laugh and always be happy. Yes that happens for the most part, but what about that shit day where your head is fuzzy and don't feel entirely yourself. You may need a rant, a giggle or just a bit of alone time but talking is a great healer (it's cheesy to hear but it's true!).
Talking is good for the soul. it adds perspective and makes you feel less anxious, calmer. Yes you could say that a large g&t is the perfect solution. It makes you feel less anxious and calmer and doesn't talk back but remember alcohol is a depressant. So make a date with your pal, sit down and really talk, and I mean talk. But actually to get onto a deeper level. I feel nowadays we talk about all the superficial things like omg i did a really funny thing and left the microwave running for 4 mins without cooking my lunch at work the other day (I actually did this!) or omg why did I kiss that guy in a random club just to con a free drink out of him. Yes it will seem like a barrel of laughs in that instance but will you remember that funny story 5 years down the line. If it's coincided with a boozy night down the local, I guarantee it won't be one to remember but just a ruddy good laugh of a night. Whereas, a deep meaningful convo will last a lifetime. You don't by any means have to expose every last inch of yourself but just to chat about what your feeling, whether your on top of the world or feeling damn right shit.
Another point is that real talking may only develop with a pal that you have built a bit of history on and feel able to trust and won't feel the need to plaster your news or background for the world to see. I get that talking on a deeper level takes trust and guts, especially now that social media is a stalking frenzy to know every tom, dick and harry. But allow yourself to trust and let people in. Honestly, most people you come across, you gravitate towards because they have a similarity to you and if they don't give them a wide berth. Simples!
Due to social media consuming our lives 24/7, we forget we are actually humans who need IRL interaction. and for some, forget how to communicate. For me this may be a cause for why people have so many misconceptions about people and start to judge and that's because they have little understanding of another person's situation because they haven't had the chance to have a chat, ask questions and get to know each other that little bit more. A bit more personal. Even if you have known the person for 3 months or your whole lifetime, you can always learn new things about them, quirks an all. Not just, omg did you like my insta post of my lunch I put up?. It will make your friendship or family connection stronger, trust me.
Talking is one of many ways that can be used to help break the stigma of invisible disabilities. By talking it generates debate, allows people to gain an insight and more of an understanding of why a person with invisible condition may struggle to make every social event set in the diary and to feel less like it is a personal attack if they bail out occasionally. Also I think people have a fear of real talking as it is exposing them, showing a more vulnerable side to them which maybe quite well camouflaged under a facade but talking helps reduce judgement, misconceptions of a person and hurt.
If your so called 'friend' or 'family member' struggles with the idea of talking and prefers the judging look then maybe you have to question whether they really are worth investing your time in. Real talking is a bit of an art and can be a tad awkward to begin with, espesh if it is not teamed up with a glass of vino or two but it's worth it in the long run. Ain't nobody got time for someone who doesn't really give two flying shits with you and is more bothered about their social status and upkeep. This kind of friendship or connection will never last so invest your time in talking and building a rapport with people who matter the most to you. The people who pick you up, have a giggle, get you for being you and will fight battles alongside you, not against you. It has to be a mutual thing for talking to work and to delve in deeper. The hardcore stuff. Your bricks and mortar. Find your tonic to match your gin.
Have you managed the art of 'real' talk or is it easier to just do small talk via your insta feed?
Love,
T
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Happy New Year Everyone!
Long time no speak! I took a bit of a step back from Invisible Visible in November as I was knee deep in job hunting and was determined to find something ASAP! With Christmas looming round the corner, there were presents to buy, gin to drink and festivities to join in with family and friends! Anyway, I'm back, fresh into the new year, tbh I've felt pretty dog rough in the past week with a bug but hey ho, January loves to bring all those comforting delights! Who else finds January the kind of practise month before the year really does kick off? To me, January is like a maths exam. You really don't want to do it but you have to get it over with and move on, whatever the result! In the past, my maths exams ended up with retaking and becoming a random number generator once again!
Right update over!
I thought today's post would be on something quite topical and has been in the news this past week which affects something quite personal and to be honest pretty accurate. BBC News hit our screens with a report on studies that suggest that 'Deaf People fear discrimination from employers or within the workplace'. Too right this is a fear. But what I find absurd, is that we've come into 2018 and people still judge and marginalise those who are deaf. People are not being educated half as much on disabilities which affect so many people around us. Whether you have mild or profound hearing loss, those who are deaf are treated with a different perception. That your stupid. Your thick. You aren't independent. Christ sake, just under 9 million people in the UK suffer from a certain degree of hearing loss. It is one of the most common sensory disability with 1 in 7 people living with hard of hearing. Yet it is still massively judged.
For 19 years I have worn hearing aids, the amount of assumptions I have received whenever I have told someone I am deaf, I could make a 3 volume series of books and a film out of.
Here are a few of the most popular assumptions I have been hit with in the past and literally looked astonished that people even conjure up with these thoughts.
1. 'Your Stupid ie - you can't think for yourself, not independent, everything must be done at a slower pace.' - Umm have you met me?!
2. 'Oh you must sign then'. - 110% no is the answer to this assumption. I have worn hearing aids since I was 3 and have never learnt to sign. Fair do's if you sign but I feel this marginalises you even further from society. Your putting yourself into a different category and segregate yourself from making friends and connecting. I find the concept of signing interesting but I've learnt to lip read from a young age and it has so many pro's. Especially if you are want to bitch about that person in front of you in a supermarket or bar without being noticed.
Mum and I have done it for years, dad and my brother need to catch up and learn to lip read so they don't feel left out.
3. 'Oh your deaf, so that automatically means I have to speak more pronounced, widening my mouth and slowly talk to you in a patronising way.' - Well you can do that, but in the past with teachers I have just mimicked what they are doing with their facial expressions and said 'I am deaf, not stupid'. I am more likely to ignore you as quite a few people have agreed that it makes it harder to listen to what you are saying cause it ain't normal how your speaking.
4. 'Oh so you must not go to noisy clubs, bars or go to gigs etc' - Yeah that's right of course, silly me! Didn't think this through, that if you are deaf you can't go and do certain things. Well sod that assumption because actually it has probably made me do it more. Why would you want to isolate yourself even more. I've still got legs, I can walk. I can talk. I'm stubborn and I am not a victim. I do everything that an average 20 something year old does. Why is lack of hearing gonna stop that. Hun, lip reading was the best invention in these situations.
5. 'Oh do/did you go to a special school'. - Hell no. My rents were determined I was going to attend a bog standard mainstream school with all my friends and integrate just like everyone else. Thing is, that hair is a perfect invention so it covers up all sorts like bad hair dye jobs, piercings you haven't broken to your parents that you've done and guess what also hearing aids. In the past, I probably was ashamed of being deaf so used my hair to cover them up as I feared the judgement or different perception I would receive from individuals who didn't know me personally but instantly judged because of two little things poking out of my ears. Christ, glasses are seen perfectly fine if you struggle with sight but if your hard of hearing, you must struggle on because looks are most important than personality. Well, your gonna have a v lonely life if you only become friends with people who have nothing wrong or with a slight quirk. Because let me tell ya, most people have something that they struggle with. Lucky you, if you don't. Your rare.
6. 'Oh we will put you in the lower sets for class subjects in school'. - Oh so you assume that if I am deaf, I don't have the intellectual capacity to learn and achieve just like every other poor soul in that class. Not a chance. I remember when I had just received my A Level Results which would decide which uni I would go to in the following few weeks, I had a weird encounter with my head of sixth form. I had applied to one of the top 10 universities in the country as my first choice followed by 4 other choices which didn't have as much prestige. I set my heart on getting the grades for my first choice. Thankfully, all the hard work paid off and I bagged that place on my degree course. However, throughout sixth form, I was repeatedly put down by teachers and staff that I might not get to go as my hearing might let me down in exams or retaining information. Obviously,that really grinded my gears and made me even more determined to prove them wrong. Why would a written paper in a quite room be affected by my hearing. Oh sod off. So when it came to results day, I got my results and celebrated. The week later, my brother got his GCSE results. My head of sixth form was at the results desk, saw my mum and swanned over to ask how I got on the previous week. My mum said that I had got into my university which led to my teacher to pipe up and assumed I got into the metropolitan version of the uni in this city. The convo ended with mum telling the teacher that no it was the russell group university and that I worked my bloody socks off to get there and why else wouldn't have I been able to go. Shock was spread across my head of sixth form's face and since then has always been respectful of me since. Silly cow.
You know what they say, Karma comes back round and can bite ya on the bum.
To round this post up, I am trying to say that in the past and still sometimes now, I refrain from telling people I am deaf as I hate dealing with the assumptions and judgement, especially when it affects so many people. I still only tell people if it's a health concern ie at the hospital or if they need to know in the workplace for health and safety reasons. In the past at school, some teachers have only found out from someone else or if I have told them before I have left through sense of humour. It would only come out through a joke, for instance if it noisy in the classroom or if someone is arguing i'll just pop out with 'Well don't worry, I'll just turn off my hearing aids'. That seems to distract some judging from people, however it shouldn't be like this in this day and age. You shouldn't have to jokingly admit you struggle with a disability. You should feel comfortable enough to admit it through an average conversation and not to be seen as a big deal.
I still can't get my head around that hard of hearing can rack up so much judgement and assume a different perception of the person, but other disabilities like loss of sight have less of a judgement attached to it. If it was me, schools and workplaces need more education and workshops on hard of hearing and the basic fact is that yes you struggle with hearing but you aren't a victim. You are not stupid or thick, you don't need to be patronised and you are just like every other soul but you just have a slight quirk.
Last of all, I just find it sad that this is still a taboo. Why can't we all just be merry, have catch up with friends, go out and just have a cracking time instead of worrying about appearances and vain perceptions. Ask questions, be curious but let's not shame people and appear to be bitter and twisted. It ain't a good look hun.
Thanks for tuning in. Speak soon.
Love,
T
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