5 Negatives of Being Deaf.

Its 1.04am approx on Wednesday 21st March 2018. I'm currently sat wide awake struggling to get even just 10 winks, let alone 40 winks of blooming sleep. This has been a reoccurring routine that has gone on for 3 days straight. I've had approx 8-9 hours sleep in the past two days. 3 on one and a slightly higher score of 5 hours on the Monday. I feel like I've got a newborn with the way this sleep pattern is going. Props to all new mum's out there who battle on with potentially years of broken sleep. It's felt like a tester before the real deal. I would like to congratulate tonsillitis and the flu for helping me get to this point. You've really succeeded, I applaud you for putting in all those hours to make me feel horrendously shit in such a short space of time.  I admire the effort it's taken you but I would kindly like to inform you that I wanna gain some normality now. And more then a 3 hour kip. Please. What's more heartbreaking is that I've lost my appetite over the past 3 days. For God's Sake, I hope I reel the benefit of being in absolute pain and lose a bit of weight. Not that I'm fixated on it but it would be nice to lose some without having to work at it. But more importantly, I miss smelling the nice aromas of food being cooked (currently I'm sounding like a pig with a blocked nose!) and just generally feeling hungry to eat whenever I want and what I want.

I was at the gym the other day and my personal trainer asked me if I was starting the gym to get ready for bikini season. Am I fuck? Nah babes, ain't nobody got time for that! What's that about? Also do you know we live in Britain where Summer lasts for a solid 2 days and then say your goodbyes. You ain't got time for digging out your best swimming cozy! Personally the gym is for me to tone up but still be able to neck down and inhale all the cakes, biscuits and crisps without feeling guilty. You gotta do what you gotta do girl. For me, it's picking up that double choc sundae in Tesco and leaving behind all that Ella's protein cacao balls shit on the shelf. Technically your saving yourself money since most of the cacao products, you have to sell off one of your vital organs and take out a small loan to buy a single protein ball which is the size of a 10p coin. As my mum says 'they look like rat droppings most of this protein bollocks'. It don't rub clear on me girl.

Normally, my pain threshold is made out of bloody titanium, I can with stand long periods of pain if I have to. An injection to me is like a weak poke in the arm by an ant. If it was my brother on the other hand receiving the injection, you'd have to shut the front door, dial 999 and make sure everyone and their dog knows about the experience and then faint at the last moment for good measure. It's tough being the only one in the family with no health concerns. My heart bleeds for him, it really does!

Right now my little midnight rant is over, I thought I would be productive and distract myself in this time to discuss something that has been playing on my mind recently. It's not the most uplifting and light hearted thing to discuss but let's be remain consistent with how this post started. It is all the negative things to do with being deaf. If you know me, I would much rather lose valuable possessions like my phone, purse, keys to the house, laptop, however if someone ever stole one of my hearing aids (honestly, they are top dollar so if you are in the shit with money at the moment, maybe invest in one!) they wouldn't hear the end of it. They are my prize possession, I would much rather personally hand over other valuable possessions. If I can't hear, you'll know about it. I become the grumpiest, moodiest little shit going. And that's just 5 minutes into the no hearing phase.

Let's kick start with:

#1 Repeating

First off, you know when your mid convo and someone asks you a question or is just speaking faster than a car bombing it down the M25 on a Saturday and you miss what they have just said not 3 seconds ago and you have to face the facts and ask them to repeat the sentence (god forbid!) before the convo can continue. Most people are a-okay with having to repeat a sentence cause girl we ain't all perfect and sometimes when your nervous, stressed, excited, you gather speed when you talk making it more of a mime then a sit down convo. Honestly, I am one of the worst for this. I can chat shit for a good majority of a catch up with a best pal, could probably hold a gold plated Guinness Book of World Record award for it. Just read my old school reports, they say a lot about how much time I wasted on chatting shit for a solid 15 years. Primary and Secondary School were probably quite relieved to have got rid.

What really grates on me is when you may have not heard the repeated sentence and politely ask for it to be repeated once or maybe twice more. You then start to feel guilty that you may have to push the boat out and ask for said person to repeat it a third time that you either fall into a pit of shame and don't bother as you can't be arsed with the hassle, teasing or judgement, or you pluck up the courage to ask again and the person slams you down with the response 'it doesn't matter'. Kick em' whilst they are down. But the thing is, it does matter. I'm not doing it to purposely piss you off or sound like I ain't bothered in the convo, it's just that I don't wanna be grinning through my teeth pretending I've heard the response and then give a half-hearted reply which the other person will know it didn't really mean much and why bother. Also I'm shit when it comes to faking things, I make it far to obvious and end up in a fit of giggles.

#2 Dependence 

This one is all about having to depend on people even when you feel like you have your shit together majority of the time. If you know me, you know that I'm a feisty and sassy ginger who is v independent and likes to be in control of what I do and when. It doesn't mean I don't take considerations or opinions from other people, I'm all for it but at the end of the day, I am v adamant on how I go about in life and what I want from it. Only time, I don't listen to opinions is when I'm being a mardy little shit and having a good old bicker with mum about why she wasn't keen on the style of dress I bought a week ago off ASOS. She probably was right and has good intentions but at the time, both of us were not keen to simmer down and say sorry at the end of the bicker. Far too stubborn but hey, like mother like daughter. It's what I like to call mother daughter bonding/character building. It's good for the soul. 

Now majority of the time, I like to be independant. I like to rely on myself instead of others. Even since the age of about 9/10 I've washed my own clothes, made my own packed lunches and do my own bedding. I like that my mum has taught my brother and I the vital life lessons and won't run around after us like headless chickens for the rest of our lives. However, there are a couple of things I have had to bow down to, much to my dislike and nab a bit of dependance from the rents. 

So once my hearing aids have been pulled and unplugged from my ears after a hard day listening to the world's problems, I can hear jack shit. Nadder. You could be screaming or the house is on fire and I'll still be sat there thinking ain't it a little warm today. Majority of the time I quite like for this time of day, cause it's nice to be able to control what you do and what you don't wanna listen to. Like I wanna be able to listen to one of my best gal's goss from the week but I'm pretty keen on whipping out those bad boys to not have to waste time listening to my brother chatting shit/whining. It's a winner. The one fear I have is not being able to hear at night. If anything god forbid happened in the night such as a fire or a burglary (touch wood, never happened/don't ever wish it to happen funnily!), I will be completely unaware of any unfolding events. I will have to solely rely on whoever is in the house at the time. 

Another factor that I find annoying to depend others on is them having to be my personal alarm clock in the mornings. I've probably spent a small loan on a number of different alarm clocks over the years claiming to help you wake the fuck up on time in the mornings. The singing ones which were scarily loud and deeply annoying that it only lasted a day as I through it against the wall just to shut the mind numbing song from going onto round 20. There are the vibrating under the pillow alarm clocks, which honestly if you like to wake up in sheer fear that you've just entered into a deadly 9.0 magnitude earthquake on the richter scale, then this is the clock for you. But hate to break it to ya, it ain't my style. I wanna wake up feeling like i've been on a 8 hour retreat, not shitting the bed and wanting to say your prayers every morning. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

#3 Hiding away

Now apart from the fact that I am not keen on tying up my hair into a ponytail on the regs, it would still be nice to have that option without feeling like your gonna be stared at by others or people questioning what your wearing. Most of the time, I don't give two shits cause I've started to learn over the years to not really care what other people think. I'm not one for the ponytail hairstyle as I think I've got such a moon size of a head that I look more like a wee little boy and it doesn't really do anything for me. But also I think I like the fact that I can use my long hair as a comfort blanket. That if I cover up my ears then I can pretend that I ain't really deaf and don't have to answer any questions as it won't be obvious. Even my mum said to her work colleagues the other day about me getting a hearing dog and everyone in the staff room questioned why. Obviously she told them that I was deaf and they couldn't believe it because I don't show that I am deaf. I know that is a sense of denial but it's true. No-one has to know unless I whack up my hair into a ponytail and bingo there they are on display. 

It sounds like I'm not proud to be deaf. To be slightly quirky. Different. But, yes like everyone else in this world. We all go into a sense of denial about something we feel less confident about. Less likely to shout from the rooftops and would much rather hide the difficulty then face it head on. It's easier. I do hope overtime I start to just relax and not be bothered or embarrassed when I'm asked a question but to be more open and feel intrigued as to know why people are so interested. I know they are doing it out of curiosity and to understand the person better but for now my hair remains down. For my sense of security.

#4 Judgement

This one is pretty self explanatory from the last point ranted about but yes, you are more than likely to get a few cases of judgement from people. Recently, I've started to recognise that I only seem to get judgement from people who clearly are so low in self confidence and hatred in themselves that they feel better if they take out their frustration on someone else. 

When I was younger, I use to get bogged down with people judging. From the outset, people put on a friendly face, talkative, making great convo, include you in the groups etc. But I've made a 'mistake' or it's been exposed in the past where I've told them I'm deaf or they see my hearing aids. To most people, it's not a bother. They either say 'cool, I wouldn't have realised' or they are like cheers for telling me, let me know if I speak to fast, quietly, away from you etc. But you occasionally come across some individuals who simply can't cope with the idea that not everyone is gonna be the same as you. Every person has a quirk that is different to you. And the typical response I've received in the past.  They've automatically backed off. Blank you. Speak to you differently. Luckily, my mum has brought me up to be a feisty, sassy and stubborn young woman who didn't treat me any different to my brother so when I was younger I use to try and ignore it. I would speak to my mum or someone who did know me for being me and not for looking a bit different. Looking back on it, it tended to be young girls who were so superficial and vain who didn't really have anything else to hang onto apart from their looks. Well hate to break it to you little girls but looks go. 

As I've got older, I've learnt ways to steer clear of judgement and it's by just being honest. I'll only tell people if I really have to. It shouldn't be this way. People should be more accepting as being deaf is vast becoming a norm, however some people are unaware due to not learning about differences, therefore struggle to understand how to deal with the news. For now though, I stick to only saying it if necessary and if people within that struggle, well it's their problem not mine. People tend to go pass judging if you are open to questions and allow them to be curious. That takes the fear away. 

#5 Not believing you

The last point is what stirred me to write about this topic. Most of my family, friends and people who know me would say that if a stranger or a new person spoke to me and was unaware of me being deaf, they wouldn't know. I don't speak deaf, I don't sign and I most definitely don't let it dictate my life. I'm your pretty average 20 something year old who loves a good Friday night out out, goes to the cinema and travels with her mates across the world. I don't let anything pretty much stop me from being a young adult. You'd have to tie me to a chair and even then I'd muster up a plan to get rid. 

The problem with not looking, acting or seeming deaf that sometimes people don't always believe you. They only believe you when you go to grab both hearing aids out of your ears and show them the hard physical evidence to please them. 

I've had it in clubs where the story of the bouncers didn't believe me that one of my hearing aid's decided to exit the building and gallivant somewhere on the sticky, jaeger-bomb ridden club floor came about. I've had it where my one of my hearing aid batteries is playing up and I need to change it for a new one to be able to fully hear, when I've said I'll be back in a sec, just going to change my hearing aid battery and the looks I get are a state of confusion along with the question 'is it urgent?'. Well, if you ain't bothered in getting a response out of me to your question then no it's not urgent. 

Lastly, yes I do say 'what?' quite a bit if I need a question or something repeated to me but I don't speak deaf or act it which can run me into trouble as I don't think most people apart from my direct family realise the severity of my deafness. Like I've ranted about earlier in the post, you could stand directly in front of me with a foghorn and I'd be thinking 'where the fuck have they found one of those?' rather than the pitch and loudness coming from it. It's nice really that people don't really label you for being deaf and forget that you are deaf because then you feel just like everyone else. The only trouble is when I get asked 'but your not that deaf?' Well wait till I'm fast asleep in bed or not speaking a jot and then you'll see how deaf I am. F.Y.I if you know me I can't go five minutes without opening my big gob and chatting a load of shit. 

Do you know anyone deaf who has the same dilemmas or if you are deaf yourself, are there any other issues that grind your gears?

Speak soon,

T

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