Invisible Disability: A Blessing or a Curse?

(Cheers gran for letting me dig out your scrabble board to fulfill my post title aesthetic!)

This might seem odd to most people reading this blog which predominantly focuses on disability and empowering all those who live with a hidden disability. However, it's strange to say but a count myself mega lucky and grateful to have a hidden disability which I have become accustomed to all of my life. Whether I would have wanted it in the first place, that's another time and place for that lil rant. Its been 22 years now, I've had chance to deal with it all in my own little ways. If I was given a chance to choose between invisible and visible, hands down I would choose invisible every time. And the answer to the question 'but why?' is that it stops the questions straight away. It stops the pity and the victim/poor me act. You can control what you spill out to friends, family, colleagues on the basis on whether you trust them or if you'll be judge on the off foot. It puts a quick end to people thinking you are 'less' of a person, an individual because you are in a particular way deficient. You can get to know people on the basis of matching their personality, similarities, interests. Not, oh your in someway have a slight hinderance. Ah well, it's easier to not bother with you. Mate, it's not contagious and I still have all my limbs, can eat like a horse and drink like a fish. So in my case, this disability don't make a difference. I'll still drink you under the table on a Friday night. Watch me. 

Since I was aware of having a condition which wasn't pointing at any obvious thing on the outside, I have always been in a sense of denial, well until I started this blog and became a inch more honest. I had an inkling from the start that there was no point in telling people or offloading this added extra thing about me as I thought 'well it's doing no one harm and it's not obvious, so it's no point burdening other people/it's not really happening/please don't judge me'. I only spoke about it at hospital appointments with specialists who even then didn't know what it was/what to do/still don't know what to do 10 years down the line, with the rare couple of family members who knew i.e. predominantly mum and if I felt I had to explain myself to any teachers which I kept to a minimum. 

Beat the elements, Beat the system, Beat the stigma.

As an adult, having an invisible condition has been a constant source of stress. I'm just gonna chuck this confession here that I personally do not and never have considered myself as 'disabled'. I can talk (shit majority of the time!), eat like a horse, walk like I've joined up to do a 10k marathon and I'm v independant/stubborn. So yes, I do struggle to class myself as disabled whenever I have to tick a 'YES' or 'NO' answer in correspondence to that question which always pops up on a health, job role or sports questionnaire. 

As a young person applying for jobs, I will reluctantly declare that I am 'disabled' after I have a 'serious' chat with mum who is sat next to me whilst signing my life away applying for a job who will always swing towards the 'YES' answer as it might help my situation. However, I never have declared exactly what the condition is, only the physical things you can see with an eye, for example my hearing aids if on the rare occasion I have my hair tied up. There is a higher chance of winning the lottery than seeing my hair tied up, you have my word for it. And not just for the fact that I look like a boy/egghead/moon head. 

I am not keen on declaring my disability for the reasons stated above, that I was not over the moon about being seen as different, deficient, pitiable. I just wanted to be myself and prove I am the right candidate for the job based on my academic qualifications, personality and training. Just like every other poor soul applying for the job. I deliberately avoid identifying myself as a person with a disability, only to be valued as a another individual. People handle things in their own way. My strategy seems to have served me well. 

The only time I have ever really milked having an invisible condition is during exam time at school or when I wanna use it to my own advantage to get something I desperately want, not a need. In school, academically I was studious when I wanted to be (let's not talk about the 4 attempts at passing at GCSE Maths with private tuition and even that never paid off, soz mum and dad!), revised when it came to exam time along with the minor panics/ hissy fits I wasn't gonna pass and always organised majority of the time when it came to deadlines etc. I never struggled with dyslexia or completing exams/coursework. However, school felt it was necessary that I had extra time during exams due to my lack of hearing. Correct me if I am wrong but the last time I checked, you don't need your hearing to help you pass your exam with flying colours. Last time, I cracked out an exam, I became familiar to that infamous 'please be quiet' sign written in red comic sans lettering blue tacked onto the front door of the dreaded exam hall. Now tell me, if you were handed this piece of news on a place you wouldn't greet this with open arms and take any free services that was suggested. Overtime, school and university have dished out numerous benefits to help me complete my studies, even when I was perfectly capable to complete them in a normal procedure along with my mates. To name the top few gems which I thoroughly milked were:

• Extra Time during exams 
• Having my own room to complete the exams
• I could have breaks
• At University, I got disability funding and rinsed them by getting a printer, a bag on wheels, extra library lending time, a book stand, a footstool costing £500 quid and a chair costing £1000 all for free. Winner winner chicken dinner! And I intended to rinse them fully, why the heck not, I'm sat in £40,000 worth of university debt so this is the least they could do. Call it a freebie.

As for my second point, I have recently used my disability to help me get closer to owning a dog. Hear me out (pardon the pun!), I use to have a dog i.e my princess/my baby girl who sadly passed a couple of years back. Ever since, I have been pining for another dog to be greeted into the Wimpenny Clan. However, it has been v unsuccessful as the rents have adapted (funnily enough!) to be able to jet off on holidays without having to sort out dog arrangements etc. 2 years down the line and a cunning plan was formed, all thanks to Crufts. Last year, crufts were advertising hearing dogs to help those with hearing loss be able to do everyday tasks. I became enlightened by this advert as I could use my hearing as an advantage of getting a dog. Tbh, it will be pretty useful having a hearing dog for certain situations such as being my personal morning alarm clock and being a guard dog when I take out my hearing aids last thing at night and go into complete silence/bliss! But more importantly, everyone in the house agreed that this was a perfect plan and I get my wish of getting another dog! There are many stages to the hearing dog process but it has probably been the only time I have ever been absolutely buzzing my hearing loss is that severe that it can equate to getting a hearing dog! Never have I ever been so happy to receive a letter from my hearing consultant explaining with proof of a graph how severe my hearing really is! Mum and I both looked at each other and screamed 'YES, YOUR HEARING IS THAT SHIT!'. The words came out quicker than you can say hearing dog. 

So there you have it, there is a flip side to having a invisible disability. Personally, I think you can use it as a weapon of choice and let's say a lucky card in some situations. And others not. It depends how you view the situation. For me, I know it ain't going anywhere so I might as well make good use of it and milk it. But then can also ignore it and go into denial when it's not of any use and could potentially worsen a situation. What do you feel? Do you have a similar process or know of someone who does?

Cheers for tuning in. Speak soon. 

T

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